My Own Clock

Most of my life I lived unaware of My Own Clock. I am not sure how, but I never seemed to see it. As a kid, I was somewhat bothered by the odd pulsing sense coming from some invisible thing deep inside. It was weird and I preferred not to dwell on it. Instead, I learned to listen to others’ Clocks. Early on, other people appeared big and important. Listening to the tick-tock of their Clocks was just the logical thing to do. I even got pretty good at carrying the beat of others’ Clocks, almost as if they were my own.

It wasn’t easy. Everybody’s Clock is different, with their own drifts and skips. Synchronizing all of those Clocks was work. At first, I was excited to learn and master it, because being in sync allowed me relate to other people and appreciate their being. But I kept noticing that occasionally, the rhythm of another’s Clock would resonate in magical ways. Something inside of me would match that rhythm–just briefly–and the world would become a bit brighter. Like rays of light, little by little, these blips of resonance revealed that carrying others’ Clocks wasn’t just work. It was toil.

Boy, those were tough times. I felt lost, realizing the misery of existence that is just fitting into others’ Clock beats. I felt betrayed, let down by the insight that all these Clocks, however well-adopted by me, can never be part of me. And yet, this insight is what nudged me to a wondrous discovery.

I am not exactly sure how, but one day, I saw a glimpse of it. While reflecting, I was startled to see My Own Clock. Not a precisely-executed replica of my Father’s Clock. Not a beautifully-crafted myriad-piece orchestra of The Society Clock. Rather, My Own Clock. Clicking its own rhythm. The rhythm that way back then, would briefly resonate with others’. A barely audible tick-tock. And yet, my own, unique rhythm.

That glimpse was a profound and energizing experience. Now I knew that it’s there. It is there. I still can’t always find it, and I still confuse it with the other clocks. It’s a struggle to unlearn the habit of falling into the rhythm of another’s Clock. But every day, I strain to look and listen. And every day, get a little bit closer to living by My Own Clock.